How to Budget as a Couple (and Stay Together)

Tonight my eldest daughter realized that daughter #2 did not have a green marker and she set out immediately to remedy the situation. My children always play this nicely together and never fight over toys, time, or our attention.

Actually, that might be a bit of a lie.

Humans have been fighting over resources for thousands of years, and money is no different. In fact, it might be one of the things we fight about most. Money doesn’t just represent numbers; it signifies our time (since we likely worked long hours to acquire it) and our values (since what we spend our money on is a direct reflection of who we are).

Money-related stress accounts for about a third of the divorce rate in the US. But it doesn't have to be that way. Let’s talk about how to make your conversations around money delightful instead of distressing.

Step 1: Stop Using the "B-Word"

At some point, “budget” became a swear word. It makes us feel guilty for buying a coffee or getting avocado toast at a restaurant. (Gasp! You went to a restaurant?!)

If the word "budget" makes you feel constricted, stop using it. Try calling it a spending plan instead, and see if that feels better.

Step 2: Make a Financial Venn Diagram

The thing with budgeting making a spending plan with a partner is that some of your interests will overlap, and others won’t. Your spending plan should mirror that. Picture a Venn diagram: there should be some "Ours," some "Mine," and some "Yours."

Before you look at a single bank account, spend some time talking about the big picture. Ask each other:

• What does "financial security" mean to you? (Is it a big Emergency Fund? A paid-off car?)
• What does it mean to "feel rich"? (Buying organic groceries? Going on vacation? Having money set aside to give to worthy causes?)

Listen to your partner's answers without judgment. You might be surprised by how much common ground you actually share.

Step 3: Add Chocolate (and Close the Laptop)

Okay, so it doesn’t have to be chocolate, per se, but make your money dates enjoyable. When you sit down to talk with your partner about money, put on some good music, whip out some wine, or indulge in some Ben & Jerry’s while discussing your dollars.

I also encourage you to get rid of the screen—at least at first. Yes, you heard me right: do not look at YNAB when you start talking about money. First, talk about your dreams, your concerns for the future, and the upcoming things that need your dollars. Build the connection first before you open the software.

Step 4: Play to Your Strengths

You don’t both have to do the exact same tasks to be equal partners. Divide responsibilities based on what you’re good at. There are a few roles we can play:

• The Nerd: Let the details-oriented person (or the one more excited about the spending plan) handle the day-to-day tracking.
• The Researcher: If one of you enjoys pouring over reviews, let this person be the one to tackle how to lower insurance premiums or finding a cheaper wifi plan.
• The Future Planner: Perhaps one of you is great at big picture thinking. He or she might be the best one to go over your big picture plans once a year (like retirement or college savings).
• The Joy Maker: If one of you is better at making sure fun dates nights are happening, give this person the reigns on your 🍿Date Night category!

Set clear expectations and treat it like chores—have an ongoing conversation to check in and see if these roles are still working out for both of you.

Step 5: Make Sure You Can Buy a Doughnut

Did you know that YNAB was originally started because its founder, Jesse, didn’t feel free to buy a doughnut? It’s true.

Everybody needs fun money. Even if it’s only $5 a month. Having impenetrable constraints makes us feel trapped, which eventually leads to quitting entirely. We need wiggle room to survive. Give each other an allowance of "no-questions-asked" money that you can blow on whatever you want.

What if my partner is reluctant?

If you are married to someone who has a lot of shame around money or just really doesn't want to talk about it often (or at all), pulling them into a full budgeting session can feel like dragging them to the dentist.

Instead, lead with empathy. It can be helpful to talk about why money doesn't feel good to them. Focus on a small, personal goal they have. Maybe your partner wants a specific $150 gadget. Show them how you can carve out $50 a month in the spending plan to hand them that gadget, entirely guilt-free, in just 3 months.

When a reluctant partner sees that a spending plan is actually the fastest path to getting the things they want—without feeling guilty – they just might become more interested in your family finances. Start them with the easiest possible tasks, like only tracking their own personal spending, and let the momentum build naturally.

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